Make the journey your destination…♥

Monday 17 August 2009 18:47pm

Sometimes I wonder if you miss me.

Probably not! I mean I certainly don’t miss you!! But still, I think about the past. And Laugh. And smile. Even though in the end I didn’t really like you very much. What a friendship hay? It was good the lot of us… well from time to time. I learnt a little something from the lot of you! HA!

I don’t look down on you… honestly! It’s just, that, the decisions you made, and the decisions you still make. I mean COME ON!!! You don’t have to be religious to have morals, and you don’t need to be a believer to have sense. I did try and warn you… several times. May be that’s you’re fault? May be its mine?? It could’a been how I came across, but never the less… you got the message.

How does it feel to be so LONELY when you’re drowned in a mob full of ‘friends’?

How does it feel to be so UGLY when you have such a pretty pretty face?

How does it feel to be so FAKE? How does it feel to be so YOU?

I wonder often why you choose to be blind. You chose to be arrogant! You choose to suffer! AHA!

YOU CHOOSE the life you live!

You know that as much as I do, and its stupid isn’t it. Never being satisfied. Hoping knowledge will cure you pain.

Such a dark, dark Girl! And you know it. And you love it!

Hemorragia en el mismo

Bleed on it…

i had dream bout you the other day... to cut the story short, you see the road beside the common goin up to BTG's, we were getting chased, n they were saying to me 'don't help her, don't defend her(talking bout you)... you don't know what she's done' n basically, some Manga hero who was a real person n stuff, buh she was dead, and there's me thinking they were ganna tell me you killed 'er or somthing, buh no... you had her EARS???

So I was wondering, what is up with you and dead peoples body parts???hum lol.x

It’s warm and fuzzy and puts a smile on my face. I laugh and pout and rumble and chase.

It’s fun and entertaining making the day worth while. It overcomes the sadness whenever I face a trial.

It’s loud and noticeable when you live in such a moraless world.

It defeats the odds and all your troubles are hurled,

To a place where no human dear to trod.

It squeals and squints and chuckles at the funniest of times.

It makes peoples face’s fill with an abundance of lines.

It’s what mankind strives for, to fulfil their meaning in life.

When people are fed up with the sadness and strife.

It smells warm, refreshing and freshly baked.

As fresh as when good grain has been recently racked.

It’s not a word many people can spell,

I don’t know I guess it’s for you to tell,

But If I didn’t know any better

I’d say it was more than one letter

Eighth in fact,

Yes it is,

H.A.P.I.N.E.S.

19/04/09 19:07

I cant believe how syked I am to see this again LOOOOL. I admit, I did try to delete this site a while back, buh now, seeing the younger me all over again…WOW.

Now looking back I see how much I’ve matured. The main thing I’ve learnt is that I will never stop learning and never stop realising how much there is to life. Who ever said life was short was so wrong. Its what you do with your life that makes it shorter!! and in my case, ive got a lot to do.

So the reason I stopped coming on buzznet was because they blocked it at school and it never did work at my house anyway. Now I’ve finally downloaded firefox, I am back n back to stay >_<

Regarding my writing, I haven’t a clue. Since I’ve stopped uploading stuff on here, I have probably written one short story! I have though done something better. For one of my work experiences, I wrote a review thing for gasworks gallery. This was such an accomplishment because it wasn’t like the petty writing I usually do. It was the first time I’d written for the real world which totally makes me a writer. On the downfall though, I’ve come to the conclusion that writing is not for me!!! yea I know, shock horror lol. I’ve completely changed my course in life, which I will explain in a short second (depending on how fast you read). Now even though I no longer write, since seeing this site again, I so badly want to be Courtney Ashinton again. Even though i’m no longer dedicated to writing, I will surely write a little something every now and again.

Now as for the big changes in me… well where shall I start!!!

I think the most serious thing is that I want to get baptised. It’s like a lot sooner then I planned, but being around such spiritual people such as, Gabriella, Sariah, Marcell and Alice… its just moved me so much to make a stand in who I am no matter who wants to understand me or not. This decision is sooo great because learning the bible has taught me how to use my youth wisely!

There’s so much I want to do in the next years, so much so I don’t know if I can cram it in lol. Instead of getting my provisional license I want to learn how to skate professionally. It’s been a desire of my heart for such a long time and I never even knew it myself.

Later this year i’m going to be a vegan for six weeks, and if it goes well I may become a vegetarian. No one has been supportive which makes me determined to do so. and speaking of no support… when I told people I could make clothes, they laughed at me and mocked me so I set out to prove them wrong… and as you suspect, I did =]. I made two skirts, one for my photography project and the other for my own use. It was so jokes getting peoples response. It’s like now they have more respect for me because they see, when I set out to do something I do it (full stop). Which reminds me… at the moment i’m learning Italian and Spanish because the kingdom gives me so much support, I can travel the world, be a photographer and so much more. It’s the support my spiritual family has been giving me that has helped me decide I want to start my own business by the time I turn 18. Years ago I gave up this hope because I thought it was out of reach, but by living by bible principles I have the time and ability to do so which really makes me think.

Its funny, the courses i’m doing at sixform is completely wrong, but if I hadn’t done them I would have never known I wanted to be a tailor!!! The teachers are well disappointed that i’m not going uni but it would be ridiculous if I did. I know doing an apprenticeship is the best thing for me, and people with sense have seen this too. I know what i’m doing with my life which shows how much I have matured. When I was in year 11 everyone in my group had plans, and I was the free waver *chuckle*… and to be honest I still am. It’s actually quite sad to have your whole detailed life planned out. Things change as life goes on so free waving is a safe decision lol.

A brief outline of my future.

August 2009 – part time job

September 2009 – collage

June 2010 – the start of my own business

September 2010 – apprenticeship and pioneer

2015 (when everyone’s leaving uni) - have my business set and do some missionary

Well I’m pretty much sorted ^_^ for the next six years anyway.

Good bye for today,

C. Ashinton.x

A/N: Hopefully this will turn out to be part Science fiction/part Fantasy, for all the things I wish I could do, but can’t.

This is to everyone – and I mean EVERYONE – who has been a shadow in my life. From family to friends. From strangers to enemies. From people I meet on the street to people I meet on the net.

May this somewhat be… well, lets say ‘Edited version’ of my life.

[1]

Monday, December 29-30 2008

Superstition says its seven years bad luck for breaking a mirror. Fortunately I don’t follow superstition, or star signs, or Tarot cards or anything else linked to divination. I would never allow my life to depend on the stars, a board game and certainly not on the amount of marks that I have on my hand. Unfortunately my life’s events does depend on something more logic, more real, more… threatening! But the most fearful thing about it’ll, is that, i have no idea about… about… about what it is, about how much power it has on my life, about how much power I have on my life. What’s fearful is the unknown. The things humans don’t know but spend their lives searching… searching only to be disappointed. Sometimes I wonder whether it’s worth it all. I wonder… I wonder about a lot of things. Some may think I ponder over insignificant things, but each insignificant thing makes something significant. And for that very reason, I’ve dedicated my life to finding meaning. Not meaning to life. I already acknowledge ‘the purpose of life is having a reason for living’. But my reason for living is not yet clear to me. I don’t look for it in Religious leaders, Politics and certainly not in Science. Priest and Popes and whatever else has failed mankind. Politics?!? Oh don’t make me laugh. They don’t even know where to begin. As for science… well that’s a dead end. As once read, ‘Science can only explain how things occur, not why’. Not only scientist but also doctors have a habit of “trying to play God”. And speaking of God… well how can one believe in someone or something that has never been personally explained.

So much to consider. So much to acquire. Yet I respect that ‘no one person can know everything’. Our brains would never allow us to contain such an amount because of being imperfect! So that fact urges me to believe in something else. Something perfect! I mean, there is a force beyond us that is good. That conquers evil. There’s always an opposite of everything. Good Bad. Positive Negative. Happy Sad. Up Down. Heterosexual, Homosexual. Gravity Up thrust. Alive Dead. Good and Bad… Good and bad… -- good… and … BAD. It makes sense in my head… No one on this earth can deny that this world is filthy and is destined to go down, and as all above has proven there’s an opposite to everything. EVERYTHING. So if this world is filthy and destined to be destroyed then something’s out there, that’s clean and pure AND that can help. Something that can save the world… Save Me!

There, I’ve done it again. I’ve drifted off. Maybe some day these words I pen down will be of some use to me. Or even better… maybe it could be of some use to someone else. For now its time to say good night. It’s 1 A.M and i’m meant to be rising early to be going shopping so this is enough for now. Enough until the next time I feel I have to express myself…

With all my love…

Courtney.x

“If you could create a new body member, what would it be called? What would it look like? What would it do?”

So I thought this would be some help for Speakers Corner. I gave this task to someone of a younger age pupils at my school and they came up with a hilarious answer. If she could create a new body part it would be called ‘Scloon’; its half balloon and half skin. It would be connected to the calf of your leg and you could push it in. now hear the sick thing, the purpose of the scloon is to store period blood!!! Yea, gross buh smart!!! After a certain time you could pop it to get rid of the fluid… yuc!!!

And to top it off, now everyone officially thinks I’m off my head because they don’t understand why I would come up with such a question LMAO.X

Task 2 in speakers corner

I’M ENDING THE AFFAIR!!

I’m leaving writing for photography.

 I just can’t have the affair anymore!!!

 I will always love one more then the other, and in this case, I love writing more then photography.

People say follow your heart but I know better.

 I know I should follow my head because the heart is treacherous.

 The heart is the seat of motivation and often leads to destruction.

For the fact that I am in away ‘married’ to photography I can no long commit adultery with my LOVER – WRITING

This is my public declaration to the fact that I’m dumping my one and only passion.

This wont be forever, it’s just the contract I made when I sighed up for sixform says that I am to have photography for the year.

When the year is up…

I promise you I will take you back…

If that is…

If you’d have me!

[Posted for Chronicles of the Overactive imaginations]

A/N: For the first part, go to (http://hapzamatic.buzznet.com/user/journal/3068421/gasping-for-air)

I sit crouched in the isolated white corner; sectioning/Dividing myself from the other ‘numbers’. A part of me wants to scream, kick, punch, lash out vigorously and uncontrollably; disrupting any valid conversation or deep thought. Yet the other half of me wants to shrink, dissolve, compress myself even… disguise myself , fold myself into the tiniest atom ever to have been - - - - But I can’t, So instead I pull myself into the smallest shape I can possibly hold; burying my head in my knees I weep.

I feel access breeze wash over my legs, indicating someone’s strutting past me. I hold my breath attempting to mute my sobbing. Doing this just amplifies my cries and loud hiccupped groans, bounce their way through the room. But no one pays any notice to me, because I’m just the girl in the corner, crying a deluge of tears.

I hold my hand to my heart and scrunch the material over it. It feels as if daggers are being darted at all the sensitive areas of my heart. I whimper softly mourning over my pain. The room feels so stuffy, so suffocating. The pale white walls aren’t any help either. The walls are actually quiet sickening. It’s a room where insane people are usually placed. And that’s exactly what they think of me. That I’m insane! But I’m not. I’m not insane… but I’m not well either. I don’t know what I am, that’s why I’m here. This is where I can get help!!! Or where I should get help anyway!!! Throwing my head back, banging on the wall, it echoes in a room full of loneliness.

A slumped boy strolls past me murmuring something under his breath. I don’t give in to trying to understand what he’s saying. Nothing anybody ever says here is of worth any importance. They just take things slow as if they had all the time in the world. And they probably do. Time doesn’t seem of any importance in here. But there. See. There it is again. Time and its meaning. Time and its significance. And that’s my problem. Not being able to store time. I bang my head on my knees, hating being me. Respiring out loud, I take my focus to the big clock in the centre of the wall. Staring at me, toying me with its power and authority, I loath the worthless object. I shake my head studying its movement. Tick tock, tick tock, tick tock – tock – tock - tock. And the minute hands stays there… frozen… stuck on the 59^th second; one second short from a minute… Just like me.

I look from side to side, trying to find anyone else who has noticed what I’m seeing. But they don’t. I’m just fretting over something that shouldn’t matter. But it does… to me. I stretch out my legs as the world goes on.

The double green doors swing open allowing two figures parade the present room. With their eyes not giving away any clues, they keep the faces black as they converse with each other. The pair aren’t official looking, simply placid. They look pretty toned down for staff in this place. The taller one divides paths with the other one and goes of to someone else. I keep my eyes on the one coming to me dreading all the possibilities. He holds out his hand and says “Hi. I’m Lloyd.” I don’t reply or even attempt to. “I’m Lloyd...”  He repeats retreating his out stretched arm. “And I’m here to help you.” I snort at his motif.

“Oh is that right.” He dismisses my reply as if he couldn’t care less about hat I’ve got to say. All this time he just crouches down to sit on the white sofa beside me, never having any eye contact with me at all.

“I hear you have a problem.”

“I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t.”

“Well would you like to share it with me?” I shrug. This convo is too predictable for its own good. The mid silence lingers between us, allowing only the muffled noises of the other life forms in our environment to be of any importance. With a stern face I roll my eyes pulling my legs back into me. Lloyd tilts his head to the side and leans back crossing his right leg over his left.

“Why such aggression?”

“Because I’m fed up.”

“Fed up with what?” I shrug again.

“You have it on the papers.”

“Yeah, but I want to hear what you think the problem is.” Still mute, I start to rub my chin against my knees, feeling awkward, lost, and most of all lonely. Lloyd sits there patiently waiting for me to speak. He knows I will eventually. He’s had many patients like me before and I certainly won’t be his last.

A drop of liquefied vapour places itself below my left eye before skimming its way down my cheek. I wipe it away with my sleeve and sniffle a little as he hands me a flimsy tissue. I take it without thanking him and blow my soggy nose into it. He smiles nodding gently, telling me to let it all out. I act as if I didn’t hear him because I don’t need anyone to tell me when to blow my nose. If he really wanted to be part of me ‘letting it all out’, then he should’ve let me use his sleeve instead of mine. I scrunch the tissue into a soggy ball and shove it down mu sleeve. Everything seems calmer now and I take this time to breathe.

“That’s right.” He beams. “In your own time.” I rotate my head as if I were preparing for e sport. ‘Okay’ I murmur.

“I have a problem with remembering things.”

“Do you have a problem, or do you chooses not to.”

“If I chose not to, then I wouldn’t have a problem would I?”

“But you would. You do have a problem. You do chose not to remember!” My face starts to give off heat as my temper escalates, offended at his disbelief. I’m so stunned I cant reply, and this gives him time to talk some more. “Stop blocking it out.”  And that’s when I flip. Spazed out on the floor I scream and scream and scream.

“I can’t help it. It’s so frustrating, so overwhelming. Its like, it’s like… like… I’m just drowning in my own sorrow.” I try to hold steady my shaking hands. He can see what its doing to me. He can feel the warmth of my melt down so he weaves and knots his fingers, holding his fist between his laps and says,

“Everybody - has a photographic memory… some -- just don’t have the film.” Weighing his words, I nod, holding his gaze, dazed, not knowing what to think. ‘Everyone has a photographic memory…’ he says. So where’s my film?

================================================

A/N: so this is a one shot but it’s a second one shot to the one I done a while back. Its not as great as I wanted or imagined it to be, buh it was my aim to post for COTOI this week sooo… baring in mind that my head was banging and I was so ill…this was the best I could come up with at the time =/ sorry some bits were rushed.=[

so im taking this time out to question how i ever like such a topic. Gaw its sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo boring!!!!.... zzzzzzzzzz

I HATE IT SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO MUUUUUUUUUCHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH UUUUUUURRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I WITH I COULD SCREAM THE WORLD AWAY!!!!!!!!!

This was inspired by Sue Blackwell. I created this on the 13th of October.

Originally the picture was for my BTEC art but I love it so much I decided to use it for the group profile pic.

I took an old book and used a scalpel to cut out building like shape. I place miniature people there to give it scale.

I then took black and white photos of them before editing the title on photoshop.

Certain changes have been made due to specific reasons

=======================================================

I sit there looking out to the open with both hands in my pocket. I don’t think I can look at her. The beauty of my life just crushed me. I should have known. She’s been dropping the hints for ages. I just didn’t want to believe it. She meant too much to me. She still does mean too much to me. I squint my eyes in pain. I don’t want her to see me cry. I’m a man. I can deal with this.

She puts her hand on my shoulder and reassures me softly. ‘If things were different’, she says, ‘Then my heart would belong to you’. But things aren’t different. Her heart does not belong too me. I’m starting to wonder if it ever did belong to me. Talk about one way relationships. I gave her my all, and all this time she was looking to end it. I dedicated my life to her. Literally (!) I gave up my job, my family, my dreams, and all this time she had been using me.

She memorisingly strokes my cheek. ‘I do Love you’ she tells me. I abruptly turn my head away from her. How can she utter those words in such vanity? She moves away slowly. Still sitting beside me she sighs. Can you believe it? She sighs, as if she were the one with the problem. As if she was the one with the broken heart. To think I had respect for females. To think I was willing to do things the right way and be the ‘perfect’ man. I didn’t lay one finger on her. I promised her I wouldn’t touch her until we’d get married. I promised her I’d always have the utter most respect for her. Little did I know that she isn’t worth my respect? Or anyone else for that matter. She’s a woman of defilement. She’s a lesbian.

That’s right. A lesbian. Not Bi, just Lesbo; meaning she never did have true affection for me or for my interest. She used me for a place to stay. She used me to abide time. She used me to find her way to new ‘lovers’ heart. She used me to find her ‘true soul mate’. She. Used. Me.

I piercingly look at her. Studying her. Loathing her – yet – yearning for her. She’s stick thin, blonde and has deep blue eyes.

Chloe! Perfect Chloe.

But in spite of that, she’s not so perfect. She’s a betrayer. She betrayed my trust. She betrayed my love for her. She betrayed everything she meant to me. She doesn’t love me. She never did and never will. She’s the works of the devil. A deceiver. She’s the daughter of the father of the lie. Satan’s demon in secret.

I fell in love with the devils demon.

What a fool I’ve been. All this time I have been living a lie. Not just her lie, but my own also. I lied to myself believing that true love still exist in a generation drenched with the lose of moral conduct. What was I truly expecting? Have I really been completely blind? Or am I just arrogant? Is life really just a pile of crap? Should I have known better? Do I know better? Can I move forward?

Chloe?

She gives a week smile begging for forgiveness. I shake my head rejecting her apologue. She can’t honestly believe I’m goin to be over the moon about her departure. I gave her so much and she threw it back in my face. I never believed I would end up a love sick dog. But then, I would have never expected to be engaged to a lesbian. Honestly, what is my world coming to?

“Why are you still here?” I arch over and put my head in my hands.

“Because I want to make sure you’re okay.” I tut.

“What a predictable answer.”

“It’s the truth.”

“Yeah because you’ve always been a honest one at heart, aint you.”

“Lucas. I said I was sorry.”

“Yeah, well sorry isn’t going to make it better!” She aggressively pouts as if I were in the wrong. Frankly, she’s morphed into some unknown creature. This isn’t the Chloe I knew. She was soft, gentle, lovable – straight. Hu. I guess she hasn’t changed after all. She’s just revealed her true colours. I shake my head again. I don’t know if I’ll ever get over a shock like this. Disgraceful. It’s always the innocent that get hurt. I mean, I know I’m not perfect, but I’m not the sort of guy that goes round using girls for one thing. Why did I have to fall in love with a beautiful liar?

“Lucas. We have to speak about this sooner or later.”

“There’s nothing to speak about. It’s over. I get it.”

“No. it’s not over. Well… I still want to be friends.”

“Friends?” I look at her in disbelief. “Friends?” I repeat.

“Friends!” She clarifies. “Friends.” She offers. She is offering me friendship. Friendship? Friendship (!)

“Chloe…” I start but I don’t finish. How am I meant to explain to her that she means so much more than that to me. How am I meant to explain how much she’s hurt me? How am I meant to explain how much I hate, envy, lust, fear, grieve and love her… all at the same time?

“I know this is heard for you Luc.”

“Don’t call me that.” I arch my eyebrows in anger. “you are no longer worthy to utter that name.” The cheek. she crushes me and still expects to be my friend and use my nick name as if we were the best of buddies.

“LUCAS. Why are you being like this? You use to be so understanding.”

“Yeah and you use to be heterosexual. Or you liked to pretend you were.”

“I can’t help how I feel.” She stands up in anger. I join her in the air.

“Yeah well I’m sure that’s the same thing Ian Buntly said when he had the urge to abuse and kill those girls. I’m sure that’s what Binladin thought when he killed all those people. I’m sure that’s what every murder says when they pull the trigger.”

“Your point being.” She says so cockily.

“My point is Chloe; You’re actions kill people Chloe. They take peoples lives Chloe. You’ve killed me C-H-L-O-E.” I prolong her name.

“So what you’re saying is that I’m wrong for being ‘Bent’.” She says bent as if I had used that word to offend her.          

“It’s not even that.” I scrunch my face and raise my hands in frustration. “I wouldn’t care if you were an average lesbo. what you do in the bedroom with some next gash wouldn’t effect me. My point is that, you can’t ‘help’ how you feel – BUT – you can help what you do. If I had and urge to smack you with a rock in your head – which right now I do - …” Her eyebrows raise in shock. good! I hope she’s feeling my pain. “Even though I can’t help what I feel like doing, I can help doing it.”

“But I can’t help being a Lesbian.”

“ARGH!” I scream. Now we start getting peoples attention, but I don’t care. I’ll scream for the whole world to hear. “You be-ing a les-bi-an…” I make gestures with my hands pretending I’m doing sign language. she’s insulted, I can’t tell. I’m humiliating her in front of all these people, just like how she has now humiliated me in front of all the people in my social life. I continue “… does not bo-ther me. What bo-ther-s me is the FACT that you drew me in.” I stop with the hand gestures as the pain of her leaving me drowns out my anger of her humiliating me. A tear steers down her face and I understand she’s hurting as much as I am. “You lied to me Chloe.” I speak in a low and calm manner. “You lied to me.” she puts her hand on her hips and looks away from my gaze as she tries to hold back the tears.

“I know.” she half sniffs. “I said I was sorry.” I gaze at her, wanting to draw her into my arms and tell her how much I love her. How everything is going to be okay. How I’ll make her the happiest gurl on earth. But then I realise that I’m wrong. I can’t make her the happiest Gurl on earth because I haven’t got what she wants. she doesn’t want my love. She wants her love…

“Well that’s it init.” She nods. I take a seat back on the bench. “That’s it. It’s Over.” This time I sigh. I sigh because I do have the problem. I sigh because i have the broken heart.

“Sorry.” She states one final time. Besides me she places her engagement ring and says good bye with her eyes. I give a weary smile knowing that I’m still going to see her every week. I’ll still have to face everyone that knows we were engaged and explain to them how she left me for another. No just another, but… her.

I watch Chloe as she goes and re-joins waiting Skylar. They embrace each other with a kiss and that stabbing pain enters my heart again. They couldn’t even wait to leave my sight. Sky says something to her and I see from the side Chloe’s cheeks raise. Skylar makes Chloe happy. The one thing I couldn’t do. I blink holding back the tears as I study the pair. They thread their hands so that their woven together and I scornfully squeeze my noise in disgust. I know when I’m not wanted.

The new pronounced couple start to walk away from their previous spot. I shake my head disappointed in Skylar as well as Chloe. I can’t believe I was betrayed by the both of them. What did I do to deserve such punishment? The love I once had for the both of them has not fizzled out completely. A flame is still alight, stored in a safe place in my leaking heart. If either or both of them ever wanted to take their prior place in my life back, then I’ll be more then willing. I sigh and shake my head for the last time as I watch my ex-fiancé walk away with my twin.

I peer down at the ring beside me. I’m completely drained from trying to keep a relationship with my sister as well as my ex-fiancé. I don’t want it. I’ve no longer got any use for it. I stand up erect and stretch as if I had just awoken from a deep sleep. Some people are stealing glances at me because I just announced my business to the world. Oh well, I guess its practise for later when I have to break the news to the other half of the world. I inhale and exhale before I take a step back to ‘home’.

The weather takes a tern and the sky starts to shed tears. The sky sheds the tears that I have stored up.  The grey clouds conquer the sky’s surface and deprive the world of light. People start to spring open their umbrellas in order to seek refuge. I pull up my coat and protect the parts of me that I can from the unpredictable English weather. There’s nothing more I can do but get on with life. I’ll have to start again.

I start making my way down the long road to the bus stop I need. People brush past me and I simply let it go. I know responding isn’t going to make things any better. Nothings goin to make my life any better now. But there’s no point on dwelling on it. I need to take reasonable steps to make things better. Steps such as money. Money? Money? I slap myself on my forehead. Money. Ring. Money. Ring. Duh. I can take the ring back! Urgh. Seriously, I’m losing it. How can I miss a simple thing like that? Right. I jog back to the bench because I don’t want to make myself so obvious, yet I still want to make sure I get that ring back before it gets lost.

As I approach my spot on the bench I see that the ring is gone. Already. I just left her a second ago. Where could it have possibly got too? I start scanning to area looking to see if anyone could have taken it. In a fare distance I see a decently young girl huddle over studying something. I move in, in order to get a closer look. The girl is examining Chloe’s ring. She runs her finger around the inscribed writing ‘…The other half of me’. I shout out and she looks up abrupt. She knows it’s mine. I can see it in her eyes. For a split second her eyes scatter, only looking for a way to escape. She puts it into her pocket and runs. She runs with my ring. I‘m taken back by the shock. When i riposte it takes me a while to grasp the fact that she’s escaping with the rest of my life. I pick up my feet and dash for her. I weave in and out of crowds as I do my best not to loose focus of her. She’s fast. Very fast. It didn’t help for the fact that she got a head start.

I chase her for as long as I possibly can, but I loose her. I loose the ring. I loose everything right there and then.  I’ve lost everything just for Chloe. But this girl. This girl with my ring. The strange thing about her is that it’s as if I know her. Well, I don’t know her; I don’t recall ever meeting her, yet her name rolls off the tip of my tongue. I think her name is…

 Abigail

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So this is a really old story and was actually meant to lead on to something bigger but being a lesbian for me isn’t a theme that’s easy too go on. But I felt like posting it again as I have done on my previous buzz…

“Do you know what it’s like losing two weeks of you’re life?”

“Oh, stop exaggerating.” I turn to walk off but she pulls me back by my arm. Glaring into my pupils I read her distraught. The blemish of her heart seeps through the rays of her sight.  Like bubbling volcano’s, soiling, threatening to erupt, she pleads with me; willing me to help. I shake my head, trying to throw her out of my thoughts. Her tug gets tighter and I can’t deny her presence. I lowly groan not wanting to get involved. “This is nothing to do with me!” she grips me harder, submerging in anguish and pain. She’s begging me to do something I can’t. She’s begging me to do something which is not within my power. She wants me to find two weeks of her life that seem to be nowhere; simply banished. Not remembering a single minute of it. She expects me to discover it. She expects me to recover 168 hours. Absolutely stranded, I long to put her out of her misery. But what can I do? What is there to say?

I face my head away from hers. Intensely exhaling, I sigh. I sigh for her. I sigh for me. I sigh for the world.

“I can’t!” Mumbling under my breath liquid starts to bubble behind my eyeballs. She leans into my body lightly, barely touching me, yet the friction from her breath with my check, heats up enough emotion to be stored in a glass bottle.

“Have faith in yourself.” A chilling shudder channels its way through me, from the top of my spine, ceasing at the soul of my feet. My knees give way, wobbling uncontrollably. I reach out to the side for support, unable to hold my own body’s weight. An icy sensation invades my limbs. I pursed my mouth to speak, attempting to free voice waves into the bitter air, but nothing is realised except vapour. Goose bumps rise on the deep shade of my skin. The wintry ambience causes figurative icicles to form above my chest. Every thought I have to say is trapped, frozen beneath the solidness of my skin. My body limbers to the side as I lightly wipe my hand beneath my eyes. clearing away the drops of empty emotion. “You have to.” She states my obligation as if it were the simplest thing in the world. She denies my pain, burdening me with her presence. Unknown fear lingers on the palate of my mouth and I feel bewildered, not knowing what on earth to do.

I wiggle my frosty fingers, freeing the tension in my hand. Tipping my body back over, barely strong enough to hold my weight, I blink. Once - - Twice - - and a final time. Hurling my body forward, I place one foot before the other. She doesn’t bar me this time. She doesn’t hold me back. I walk away from her (running in my head). A crucifying cramp punches a blow to my abdomen, but I don’t let it hinder my freedom. I don’t let her stun my escape.

Leaving the solitude park bench to go and join the crowd, I place both hands in both pockets, seeking some warmth. Bowing my head, I focus on the ground. Concealing my face from the swarm of people, so that they can’t see my soon to be, tear stained face.

I zig zag my way through the multitude of beings. How can time be lost amongst such an abundance of people? No one loses time. Time has no gap. Yet, she has managed to misplace days from her memory. Days from her existence. Impossible yet again. We think when we’re awake. We think when we sleep. How can two weeks worth of thinking dissolve into nothingness?

I stop in my steps and turn back to see her. exactly in the very same spot I left her in, she sits sinking into a hole of oblivion. With her back straight and her eyes wide open, she glares at me with sorrow, gasping for air. Behind her stare I feel her helplessness and give in to her plea. I willingly submit my soul to her. I agree to help her because I’m tied to her. From navel to cord. because she… is me!

What’s there to say? So both my cats are posers but this time Chico went for the thriller look!!! Lmao

And yeah, you are seing right!!! He does sit lyk a human* Freeky i know.

i think he's studied us too much!?!

It’s nice of you to visit

Since I haven’t seen you in such a long time

You seem to have the charm that makes people feel so fine

You’re so beautiful

You truly can’t be defined

It’s absolutely impossible, to ever leave you behind

The warmth you give me

Makes me feel so good inside

You make life’s problems go, or so easier to abide

You gave a fulfilling aura

When you’d generate your heat

With your heart close to mine, I felt every seconds beat

Then when you went away

With no second thought of effecting me

I really couldn’t open up, because I’m am the lock, and you are the key

They call you English weather

But before I didn’t understand

Until you disappeared, it was like we had been banned

For so many mouths

You left us in the lurch,

With no hope visible I began to search

If I had one question

I’d ask why you were gone for so long

Missing the rays you’d beat, and the birds morning song

Because of your disappearance

I lost so many people in death

Associating with them until, they took their very last breath

I thought I wouldn’t forgive you

For the things you put me through

But thought of life without you, I wouldn’t know what to do

I don’t think you understand

How much you mean to me

You’re the light in my life, enabling me to see

It’s like you forgot your place

In the never-ending blue sky

Drowned in the thick mist, nobody being able to fly

I want to hold on to you

For as long as I possibly can

You being so vital, the begging of my very important plan

Lying on the grass

That’s deeply coloured lime

Knowing that the summer is finally officially is mine

Amusement! Pure amusement. The corner of my left lip rebelliously rises, hoisting a crease in my lower left check. An extra dimple forms in both my cheeks as I try to hold in the impish laughter of participating in what is know as ‘malice’. Adam pounces around on the tipest of his tip toes, mimicking to every precise gesture of the character. I tip my head downward gawping at him deviously. He’s got her spot on. That’s exactly what she’s like. I don’t want my participating to be so obvious, but I can’t help but find this hilarious. I fling my head backwards, directly facing the sky, as I rip my jaw in two toppling in laughter. He opens his eyes wide shaking his head as if he were in a seizure. ‘To bed’, he repeats several times. Impressed at the way he uses the quote from Macbeth to portray Mary’s persona, I reach out to pat him on the back. Praising him. Approving his artist skill of impressions. This only makes him act out more. He increases the exaggeration of his actions, lashing out in my direction. I dodge him, careful not to be brushed by his hyperbole performance.

As fit as Adam is, soon enough he tires out. Collapsing on her grass he pants deeply, trying to catch his breath. I frivolously vault on top of him but he still grunts at the tenderness of his rib cages. I use his saw-ness to my advantage and poke him every time he appears to be recuperating. He allows me to taunt him for a period of time, but before long he manages to muster up enough strength to push me away.

“Come off it.” I chuckle at his plead.

“Make me!” I goad some more. I tickle him just below his navel. He over comes me and gives me some of my own medicine. I jiggle as I try to stomach his attack. Imprinting my teeth into my bottom lip, I kick about holding in the tortuous laughter. He gets more vigorous and harder at my stubbornness - irritated at how long I’ve held it in – he seeks another of my weak spots. He searches out my neck. I silently fight him doing my best to keep him away from my weak spot, but I can’t succeed. He’s bigger then me, as well as stronger. Knowing I’ve done so well I give in. And at that, Adam’s satisfied, leaning back on the grass, cradling me in his left arm. The both of us respire profoundly relaxing in the sun on scary Mary’s lawn.

I reflect back on not so long ago. Being sparked by the peeing tom of the street. Scary Mary having a little peek at precisely every minute. She’s mad. There’s nothing more to describe her. She’s one of a kind. Literally! Lonely! I understand completely why as well. I mean I wouldn’t want to live with her. She’s too nuts. Wako! Admitingly, I do pity her at times. Not all time… Just some times. She often keeps herself to herself I guess. For the safety of citizens I’d say. But who’s got time to worry about her anyway. If she doesn’t ask for help, then she’ll never get it. Simple.

We hear a car roaring down the street and I sit up to study it. In a far distance, I spot a navy blue escort heading towards us. Fumes puff from behind as the faces in the car becomes clearer. Two people aboard it. A male driver… can’t see the person at the back though. Adam leans up beside me so that he can catch a glimpse of the car as well. As the car decelerates, we gather it’s stopping at one of the houses on this road. We’re kind of taken back when it stops beside us. Flashes of abduction flickers through my mind. Slight paranoia. I know.

Number 64’s door cracks open, and out emerges the return of Mary. Adam nudges me, smirking at her presence. I smirk along with him as we ascend to the air. I dust myself off noticing a small stain but I don’t allow it to pre occupy me for long. My focus is soon re-attached the star of the show as she walks directly towards us. Adam prepares himself for more taunting in reply to whatever she’s got to say. I link my arm into his, standing proud to be his girlfriend. Enjoying the thought of her actually confronting us for a change, I can’t help but let the gloat write itself across my face. She’s not looking at either one of us – it may have something to do with her being cross-eyed – but if I didn’t know better, I’d thought she was looking right through us. No. Right through me. Adam drops his smirk at gaining the same feeling as me. She comes, closer, and closer and closer. The both of us become tense, but then she does exactly what we don’t expect… She walks straight past us, and right to the driver of the car. My first thought is ‘she has friends?’ But once the driver goes to the boot and opens it fiercely, I gather he’s a cab driver. The both of us do! I query at the thought, ‘a visitor??? For Mary?!?’ But once she opens the back door for whoever it is, there’s no doubting that she’s know the person.

At first neither of us can see who it is, due to Mary blocking our sight, but once she moves to the side we get the clearest profile we could possibly sight. We watched him climb out of the car and reach out for a couple of his bags. He appears to be about 5ft11, with jet black hair, which complements he’s rather dark coloured skin for a white boy. His chin is precisely angular, and his high cheek bones are chiselled. He has a very muscular sense about him and makes me feel as if I’m standing besides a boy. That’s exactly what he makes Adam seem. A boy. And as if he hadn’t captured me enough, for a split second he looks at me. Directly. And in that split second I read something in his piercing green eyes. Something… I don’t know what, but there was something in his eyes. A cold shiver travels up my solid spine and deceases at the core of my neck. As he follows Mary into the house, I can’t take my eyes off of him, even when he peers back.

“Who’s he?” Adam crudely dismissively questions the stranger’s presence.

“I don’t know, but I’ll tell you what I do know. That’s why she was peeping out of the window every minute.” And just as I finish my sentence, he turns and the door closes, leaving me in an odd desolate longing.

Hapzamatic loves to express emotion so… this is a little something inspired by … Roo

So I peer at the computer screen.
My eyes fixed

Thoughts not of my influence

With all my heart

Reminiscing on my school years

Owning her friendship

With great regret

With the flip of a coin

HATING her

Disgusted by every inch of her body

Pitying her

Being frustrated with her

And here I am

Viewing her site

Noting her progress without me

Remembering her devastating quality

‘Loving to play victim#’

Great tact tick on her part

Gained her more associates

*Remembering*

How long i allowed her to be fooled my a phony friendship

Only in order to keep peace with the world.

I prayed for forgiveness of my sinful thoughts

But I allowed them to continue if it’s the only place I find justice

Just as Roo said…

‘Crying is the illusion of your pain washing away’

I know, cos that’s exactly what I do

Sit and let the illusion engulf me

Knowing for a short period of time

And just as I think it’s fading away

It strikes back

If only she knew that

My passion is her

…PAIN…

#LPV (love playing victim)

*Footprint

Envy

Anger

Tears

Fond

Memories

The Present

 Uncontrollable detest